Jan 142011

Ok, kids! It’s time to put on your tin foil hats and look out your bedroom windows for black helicopters, because we’re taking a trip into Mr. Landon’s Insane Conspiracy Theory Neighborhood. This week, Madoka Magica!

We don’t trust Mr. (Or is it Mrs?) Kyubey, do we kids? Any good Junior Conspiracy Theorist should already be onto this devious magical pet’s scheme! He’s clearly some sort of Satanic figure. But anyone can figure that out, right kids? No. We don’t need such obvious signs as “contracts” that grant you a “wish” to tell us that this little furball is Beelzebub. Just look at him. Not only does his figure make a perfect reverse pentagram, but aren’t his features awfully goat-like? His ears are the horns, while the floppy bits hanging off of the side of his head are where a goat’s ears would be. Who else loves reverse pentagrams and scapegoats?

I know you can say it kids.

SATAN! That’s right!

And not only that, kids, but take a look at what Mr. Landon found this afternoon.

This is the Sigil of Lucifer. It’s found in the Grimorium Verum, a very naughty book about that mean old man Mr. Satan. Not only does it have that reverse pentagram within it, just like we talked about earlier, but take a look at the bottom of that symbol. Don’t you see Kyubey’s smile down there? Being anime fans, we expect that to represent a cat’s smile, all innocent but mischievous. But that is a lie, kids! That is the smile of the Morning Star himself! That curvy little smirk is the mouth of the beast, and we should fear its presence!

But that just explains what we already know, does it kids? We knew from the first episode that Mr. Kyubey was all bad news bears. Just like how we never take candy from strangers, we never take make contracts with magical pets. We know that magical pets only want to make us their slaves. But we’ve never seen a magical pet like Kyubey before. Most magical pets find a way to coerce their prey into the life of indentured servitude. They’re like the proverbial rapist, forcing magical powers upon young women and shaming them into a life of fighting crime.

Kyubey isn’t like that, now is he kids?. No. He’s like the shady, naughty drug dealer behind the corner of the local 7-11. He calls you over, calls you bro, and asks if you want to make all your wishes come true. He says he has the goods to make you feel sky-high. You can be whatever you want to be. And it’s all free!

The first time at least.

See, if you make your wish with Kyubey, you’ll get that hit. You’ll be happy as can be, right up until it’s time for you to get your next fix. See how that blonde magical girl has to suck the life out of witches and feed her soul gem? That’s how Kyubey gets you. He gives you what you want, but in exchange you have to go do a few little after school activities for him. And once you kill, you get your “reward” in the form of a new hit of that magical juju.

Now kids, do you think that blonde girl keeps killing witches because Kyubey granted her a wish, or is it because she needs to kill and feed off of that witch like a cosplaying crackhead? We know the latter is the truth. Kyubey makes these girls need the magical powers of these so-called “witches.” It’s the only way to get these innocent dupes to do his dirty work!

And why else would the blonde try to peddle a spare hit off on the evil black-haired girl from the first episode? She knows that the black-haired girl needs a regular fix to keep her wish going.

Or rather, she knows that if you don’t keep doing Kyubey’s dirty work, you’ll become a witch.

Yes, kids, Kyubey’s a dirty, sticking liar! He tells Madoka and her life partner in training that magical girls are birthed from wishes and witches are birthed from curses, but do we believe his naughty forked tongue? No way! Witches don’t come about when someone is cursed, they come about when a magical girl doesn’t get enough fixes and quits doing Kyubey’s little side jobs. And no one can stay on the Kyubey Drug Train forever, now can they? All of these poor magical girls are likely destined to become witches some day down the line, and some day they, too, will be hunted down for the sweet, sweet magical nectar that’s within their soul gems. And one day they, too, will be huffed by magical girls needed their next sweet, sweet hit.

So remember kids: Winners Don’t Become Magical Girls!

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