Jan 152012

The current anime season kinda sucks, so instead of bitching about how space pirates, small town horrors, and other shit that should be fun are just fucking boring, let’s talk about some cheesy softcore monster OVA from the 80′s.

Call Me Tonight is the only time adolescence/puberty/whatever has been portrayed with any degree of realism in anime. Screw FLCL and all that noise. None of them got down to the truth: all those hormones and shit turn you into some sort of monster that’s virtually unrecognizable from your previous self. There’s no fond memories of this shit, no matter how much you want to believe otherwise. That’s what Call Me Tonight is all about.

Some generic anime dude discovers that he blacks out when he masturbates. Being a horny teenage dude, instead of doing the sensible thing and not jack off, he keeps on doing it, only to awaken to a wrecked room and torn clothes. And again, like the stupid kid he is, instead of going to see a doctor or something like that, he calls what seems to be a teenager sex help line operated by cute teenage girls who are probably below the legal working age. The girl he talks to agrees to meet him in person so she can see this “monster” for herself.

Girl flirts with dude. Dude reveals to us that more than just his dick hulks out when he gets hot and bothered– the dude literally turns into a tentacled monster and remains that way until his urges calm down. And he does this in public. It’s just like one of those awkward adolescent moments where your pants get just a little too tight at just the wrong time and you can’t do anything to hide the fact, except I’m assuming you lost control of yourself and tried to eat your waitress. Maybe you lost your cool and chased her around the restaurant, but I doubt you actually had any intention of eating her.

And from there, things play out in the way you’d expect it. The girl doesn’t mind that the dude’s a monster. Some other peeps find out about this dude and alert the local gang boss, who happens to be your stereotypical long-skirted yanki type. She lures the couple to an abandoned building along with her crew to have their way with them. I know we can all relate with that bit, what with having a little public mishap in the pants that leads to being targeted by rapist thugs and their bad girl leader. The details may be different. Maybe it was the local rich girl and her entourage of football players in your case, but we know the situation. And you remember how you totally transformed when said girl forced herself upon you and couldn’t revert back? We may not have grown as many extra heads as this dude does in the final scene, and we may not have been shot by bazookas in order to try to calm us down, but we can never forget when we realized that all of our adolescent, hormonal problems were nothing more than the same sort of alien possession everyone has to deal with at that age.

It really helps to see an anime put everything in such a realistic perspective. Our youth isn’t about dealing with peer pressure, relationships, family problems and the like. It’s all about how we change from innocent children to mad, demented teenagers controlled by ancient forced beyond our comprehension, and our greatest formative moments revolve around accepting that fact and then conquering it with our indomitable human wills. Only then can we truly become young adults.

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