Jun 092012

Once upon a time, I wrote fanfiction.


There was the site called Pokebattles. It still exists on the internet, but it’s long dead. It was dedicated to Pokemon fanfiction. But its particular brand of fanfiction wasn’t your typical stuff. The fics were written in the style of Pokemon battle narration. Here’s an example I made up off the top of my head:

A wild MOEBLOB appeared!
Such a horrid thing! I must make it faint!
Go, GOLGO 13!
Golgo! Use Sniper!
It’s super-effective!
MOEBLOB fainted!

The place started off doing straight-forward parody battles, like dudes fighting their AOL dial-up connection and shit like that, but it got more narrative-oriented as things progressed. It also attracted fans, and some of those fans wanted to do their own versions of these Pokebattle fanfics.

A buddy of mine happened to be the first fan who started his own spin-off site, and after seeing what he was doing I basically said to myself “Yeah, this looks like fun. I wanna do it too!” So I did.

This was, like, 2000 or so. I was still in college and wasn’t really much of a Pokemon fan. I had been a fan of the game when it came out, and I played the Pokemon CCG when it first hit the States, but that was a couple of years prior. So I wanted to write Pokemon fanfiction shit, but I didn’t want to write about Pokemon. So what do I do?

I did Pokemon battles where people wielded philosophers. Dudes were tossing around Freud and Sartre and Nietzsche and whoever else and were duking it out in philosophical battles of fists. For a little bit at least, until it devolved into a mess where I had an self-insert character team up with Tenchi Masaki in order to stop an evil Psyduck who wanted to destroy the world with a giant clown monster falling from the sky much like the Angel Sahaquiel from episode 12 of Evangelion. The final battle involved an All Your Base parody, so that describes the levels of sophistication going on there. Quite classy and shit. I also nearly got banned from the Pokebattle “Network” for doing a borderline pornographic battle involving Princess Allura from Voltron and a character based on a friend of mine.

In a way it’s good that most of it doesn’t exists anymore. There’s a few scattered things on the Wayback Machine, but none of its worth reposting here. It ain’t the actual fics that are interesting, just the memory of it all.

But yeah, that was my lone journey into the realm of fanfiction: some crappy pseudo-Pokemon fight fics that started off as some pretentious exercise to show off the shit I was learning in Philosophy classes and eventually devolved into proto-meme nonsense. It was also the closest I ever came to writing about anime-related stuff until I started this blog thing in 2009.

Also, fanfiction sucks. Especially fanfiction written by me.

Also Also: The name of my Pokebattle website was Turquoise Version. Yeah, that’s where Updatedude got the name for his blog.

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