Animal Welfare

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Sep 142012

Does Sloth work at the zoo? I don’t think Sloth works at the zoo. I don’t remember seeing Sloth working at the zoo.

He proudly proclaims that he lazes about in his tree all day, only coming down to the ground once a week.

If this is the case, this dude doesn’t have a job. So what’s up with this?

Sure, Sloth lives in a tree, but does he have to pay rent of any sort? It looks like that tree is on Polar Bear’s property. Maybe he rents out that group of trees or something. But he needs money. Does he get some sort of government assistance?

The same goes for Penguin. When badgered about what he does when he’s not at the Cafe, he goes on a long spiel that has nothing about having a job. Polar Bear makes some offhand comment about everyone having shady secrets, but I think he’s saying more about himself rather than Penguin. So if Penguin doesn’t have a job either, is he getting money from the government as well? He has some sort of house, so he has to be getting income somehow.

Even Panda’s family seems to be living pretty comfortably without any obvious stream of income. Panda didn’t seem to need a job so much as Panda Mama wanted him to get out of the house and make something of himself. Despite all this, they have what amounts to a mansion. They own some serious land here.

All of these animals have no visible means of earning money, yet they do things that cost money. The only reasonable solution here is that the animals are receiving some sort of government compensation.

Here’s how I see it:

Most of the animals we see in this series are endangered, or at the very least are exotic and not native to wherever this anime takes place. As a part of this country’s protection laws, animals are given some sort of monetary stipend to help them maintain their population. With pandas technically being “endangered,” they probably receive more government assistance than polar bears, who happen to be “vulnerable,” one step less-threatened.

That probably explains why Polar Bear needs to earn some extra money on the side, while the Panda family can live pretty comfortably without needing jobs.

That’s also why someone like Sloth only lives in a tree. Sloths aren’t considered threatened in any serious way. He can probably only afford some comfortable tree in Polar Bear’s backyard.

But emperor penguins are also “not-threatened,” so how is Penguin able to live on his own, complete with a house, and spend his days at a cafe drinking expensive coffee drinks?

He’s probably won a worker’s comp lawsuit in the past. Or he’s a hitman.

Duke Waddle. Penguin 13.

A Post Wherein the Fall 2012 Season is Preemptively Judged in One Sentence Bites Because People Have Short Attention Spans

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Sep 142012

I haven’t done one of these things in ages. It’s that sort of stock post every blog spits out when one season is left to die and another season waits in the lurch. Anyone can do it. I tend to not want to do what everyone else does.

But whatever. I’m in the mood to make a bunch of baseless assumptions about series based on a single screen shot and some marketing spiel that says nothing of worth.

Also: I’m limiting myself to one sentence per series. Minimalism is trendy and shit.

Just in case you haven’t already seen it, feel free to follow along with this handy-dandy chart here.

Kyousogiga: Even I couldn’t make much sense out of the OVA and I can usually make up all sorts of shit to fill in those sorts of holes, but that ain’t a bad thing.

Battle Spirits: Sword Eyes: I’m suing for false advertisement because I don’t see any swords in these kids eyes.

Shin Sekai Yori: Proof that the future will suck because 1000 years from now we still have generic high school anime kids.

Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun: Stop making other shows, Brains Base, and get back to more Baccano!

Kamisama Kiss: Premise almost sounds promising, but it’ll probably avoid the potential comedy hijinks and go for some bland supernatural romance.

Litchi DE Hikari Club: Fascist Frankenstein Robots who rip out people’s guts are super moe.

Chou Soku Henkei Gyrozetter: If I was 5 years old I’d be eating this shit up.

Jormungand PERFECT ORDER: Jormungand is for fans who think Lord of War and Syriana are the way every action movie should be, and that’s awful.

Wooser no Sono Higurashi: Sounds like an evil Poyopoyo, so I’m down with this.

Monsuno: If Gyrozetter is the series I’d love if I was 5 years old, Monsuno would be the one I’d intentionally avoid watching because even 5-year-old me thinks it looks crappy.

Chuunibyou demo Koi ga Shitai!: If an anime has a girl with a medical eyepatch, it’s guaranteed to suck.

Hayate no Gotoku: You’ve been dead to me ever since Sacred Blacksmith, Manglobe.

Gintama: Haven’t gotten around to watching this thing yet, so I doubt I’ll start now.

BTOOOM!: I was excited when I saw that the name was an explosion, then I saw it was about some online game and had NEETs in it.

Hidamari Sketch: Stop making other shows, SHAFT, and get back to more Zetsubou-sensei!

Busou Shinki: If I’m gonna watch a show about action figures, I want it filtered through that kid anime lens where they at least pretend to be about something other than playing with said action figures.

Zetsuen no Tempest: This doesn’t sound all that bad, but still, Stop making other shows, BONES, and get back to more Darker than Black!

K: I had a cat whose name was the letter K, but I doubt this anime is about her.

Yet Another “I Want To Fuck Onii-Chan” Show: Think my snarky revision there says it all.

JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: God Bless David Production.

To Love-Ru Darkness: Darkness can’ t be “golden,” y’all.

Bakuman 3: If you’re still trying to break into the manga business after this long, dudes, you should give it up already and find real jobs.

Haitai Nanafa: If I saw a bunch of cute girl ghosts appear out of a shrine, instead of making an anime out of it I’d just call Ghostbusters.

Little Busters!: Can someone please explain to me why this anime is about “busting” little people, because that just sounds damn prejudiced.

Sukitte Ii no yo: You shouldn’t reward these anorexic kids with an anime, you should just give them a hamburger.

CODE:BREAKER: I’m all for “fighting evil with evil.”

Butt-Biting Bug: This thing has potential, and that ain’t no snarky comment either.

Cross Fight B-Daman eS: Marbles were never cool, so stop trying to force them upon kids.

Magi: This might not be all that bad, but it also might be exceedingly uninteresting like that Airbender stuff.

Teekyuu: At least its honest about the tennis club girls not being the least bit interested in tennis.

Ixion Saga DT: Repeat what I already said about Brains Base.

Aikatsu!: Isn’t this the same plot as that Idolmaster series, or that new Barbie direct to DVD movie?

Sakurasou no Pet no Kanojo: Getting kicked out of your dorm for having a pet cat sounds a lot like my freshman year of college.

Girls und Panzer: If they use the tank as a tank and not as a chair, this might be halfway watchable.

Medaka Box Abnormal: Isn’t the only “abnormal” thing about this the fact that it’s getting a second season?

PSYCHO-PASS: Gen Urobuchi is the Joss Whedon of anime, in that I don’t get either dude’s stuff despite their popularity, so I’m hoping Psycho-Pass becomes Urobuchi’s Avengers, since that was the first thing by Whedon I genuinely liked.

ROBOTICS;NOTES: Steins;Gate made me hate semicolons, so this thing’s right out.

Seitokai no Ichizon: Really?

Hiro no Kakera: Even if I was interested in 5 dudes fawning over me I’d have zero interest in this thing.

Initial D Fifth Stage: I’ll just watch the Fast and the Furious movies again.

Aoi Sekai no Chuushin de: Reimagining the Sega/Nintendo console wars as a fantasy war series might be one of the most brilliant concepts I’ve ever seen.